I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
