life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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