The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize