Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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