I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
