just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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