i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
