I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
