i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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