i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
