she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
