Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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