My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
