Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
