On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
