It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
