i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
