you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
