this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
