You can't motorboat a personality
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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