I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
