My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
