I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
