he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
