btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
