what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
