I want to walk on stilts...naked
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
