my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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