A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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