i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
