just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If I had your ass I would rule the world
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
