The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Bring me that man meat
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
