you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
