Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
