She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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