Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
