We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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