Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dick very happy bro
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize