It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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