HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
