Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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