Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize