I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Randomize
