I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
