I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize