I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
