you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
