just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
