Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
