I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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