To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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