At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
