Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
