haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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