I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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