Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
