i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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