Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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