I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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