Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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