Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
