The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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